Top 7 Fashion Fails of Corporate India

At the outset, I should probably mention that I do know the IT industry has got some slightly bigger things going on than dress sense, for example, that NOBODY DOES ANY WORK and that we’re all going to die from the radiation and/or the viruses lurking kedily in the air-conditioning ducts. But I still feel the need to talk about this, because it’s been kind of a thorn in my side for a while, AND I have spent a lot of time researching and refining it (who says nobody does any work in the IT industry?)

Another thing I should probably mention at this point, for the benefit of all hataz, is that I know women are all different sizes and shapes and colors AND cultures, and not everyone’s comfortable wearing everything and all of that. And I’d like to clarify right at the outset that these fashion and grooming fails are NOT specific to any culture, and are not hatin’ on anyone’s size or shape or color or culture. They apply to everyone. You can be a Hakki Pikki called Japan Sonali Bendre Goli Soda but you still have no excuse for not being presentable in the office. Having said that, hataz gonna hate anyway, so there’s nothing I can do about it except warn you not to read further if you are a hata.

1.    So, starting from the top: wearing flowers in your hair. Well, okay, flowers in your hair is pretty and feminine and all of that, but when they are withered and dead and bits are falling off behind you leaving a sort of trail of breadcrumbs in your wake, IT CEASES TO BE A LOOK! (Sadly, however, it does not cease to be a SMELL.) It now enters the realm of "dead organism on your head." First of all, I’m not even sure if flowers in your hair is exactly appropriate for the office…? This is where the hataz are gonna start hatin’ saying “but it’s tradition” and blah, but so what? Like, do Hawaiian women go to work with a big old hibiscus tucked behind their ear? Maybe if they worked at a spa. Or cocktail lounge. Or themed restaurant of some sort. So same goes for you. If you work at the Mavalli Tiffin Room, or if you work for malayalee.matrimony.com, knock yourself out (and possibly others in your immediate vicinity, too) with the flowers.

2.    Staying with the head region, the other thing is the oil. Now, there are some products that you can leave in your hair and walk around in public, and some others that just should not see the light of day. Or a lighted match. General rule of thumb: if your head has the potential to leave a majestic stain on the wall, you should not be stepping out with THAT in your hair. Let me add that this particular fail is not acceptable even in the Mavalli Tiffin Room. It’s in the rule book. (They have a rule book. I’ve seen it.) It clearly states that, “Management will not tolerate persons seen to be leaving majestic stains on the wall; they will be summarily requested to get the fuck out.”

3.    Moving right along, PLEASE get rid of the moustache. This applies to EVERYONE. I don’t care that you were kidnapped by Veerappan and have been nursing a Stockholm Syndrome for the last 14 years. I don’t care that you have 10 kids and 18-hour shifts. I don’t care that you’re not the “fashionable type.” (Quick Indian English dictionary reference: Fashionable type = WHORE.) Please just get rid of the stache. You can do it at the salon on the corner for Rs. 40. Use the money you saved by not buying flowers for your hair.

4.    So, the Indian IT answer to the Boyfriend Blazer trend is apparently the Husband’s-Brown-Rexene-Motorcycling-Jacket-Worn-Over-Salwar-Kameez. If you are gonna wear a salwar kameez and you’re cold…..there are a number of SHAWL options available in this country!
A corollary to this fail is the Husband’s-Laptop-Backpack-Worn-Over-Salwar-Kameez fail. Okay, I know it’s not your husband’s; it’s the free backpack that the company gave you. Well, so what? The Family Planning Commission gives out free condoms in villages all the time. NOBODY WEARS THOSE. You don’t HAVE to wear the damn backpack. And swinging the old lunch box and water bottle in your free hand? You might as well go all out and wear the school uniform, too. Okay, if you’re wearing trekking shoes, lumberjack jeans, T-shirt, and hoodie, feel free to carry the backpack. (In such a case, you may just wanna rethink your entire wardrobe, though, ‘cause you’re going to WORK!) Otherwise, I don’t care that you ride a bike or whatever. No cop, even in Bangalore, is gonna pull you over and fine you for Unlawful Possession of Feminine Accessories and Warm Clothing.

5.    Now, there are so many things going on with the feet that I just don’t know where to start and how to divide it all up. How many individual numbered fails can I devote to feet alone? So, I’ll try and combine all related issues into single fails. (And I’m still gonna have a BUNCH.) Okay, let me start with the floaters with salwar kameez fail. I have nothing to say besides FLOATERS DO NOT GO WITH SALWAR KAMEEZ. This holds good for sneakers, loafers, pumps, and any kind of closed Western shoes. And this holds doubly good for… God forbid…. silver anklets, floaters, and salwar kameez. Who told you you could wear silver anklets with floaters and salwar kameez?? Who???

6.    Probably the same person that told you your heels WOULD MAGICALLY MOISTURIZE THEMSELVES! Earning your stripes does NOT refer to a series of grimy, discolored cracks at the back of your feet! And do not bring in the 10 kids and 18-hour shifts again and say you’re busy and you have no time. So have you stopped having baths all together because you’re busy and have no time? Considered giving up brushing your teeth for good? Well, this is just as much a matter of health and hygiene as those things! And do not tell me you can’t get down there. If, at 35 or 45 or whatever you are, you cannot bend over and reach your own feet, you should not be sitting here reading this; you should be in a doctor’s consulting room somewhere, thinking about why that is and how you could have let it happen. And this goes for scrubbing and ex-foliating those ankle bones, too. First of all, no salwar kameez in the world was designed with visible ankle bones in mind, so that’s another thing you could think about at the doctor’s is why anybody had to see them.

7.    The last and final fail is about nails. So now that you have gathered that appropriate footwear for, say, a salwar kameez is most likely some sort of feminine open sandals, that means the world would (much against its will) have to see your toes. Nobody wants to see your overgrown toenails with half-chipping-off metallic purple nail polish on. And nobody wants to see your nails, sans nail polish, discolored, overgrown, and grimy. And nobody wants to see blood clots. I don’t get why so many women have blood clots in their toenails! Does everyone have a freaking secret life as a second-division state league footballer (barefoot, in the grand tradition of 1954) at night?? Well, if you do, good for you, and good luck making premier next season, but please wear joothies or mojries or something to work, or wear pants and shoes, whatever.

So there you have it, my top 7 fashion fails of Indian offices! So, RESTATING, for the benefit of all hataz…. This is just MY personal opinion, and may not refer to ALL IT offices, or all women in offices, or all of India. If you’re that one beautiful, bohemian, pixie-child-woman who can carry off floaters with salwar kameez, or if you’re Aung San Suu Kyi, then this clearly does not apply to you. (If you’re Aung San Suu Kyi, MAD respect! I love you.) And mind you, there are a hundred other fashion fails going on. Much like the perpetrators, there’s another one born every minute. So pardon me if I did not include your personal favorite fashion fail; this is just the top 7 that occurred to me off the top of my head, and maybe it’ll be in there next time!