1. Nuclear families are responsible for
the spread of HIV & AIDS.
The root of this problem may be that, in the early 1990s when motorized
transport was invented, people moved to other cities for the prospect of
gainful employment. It could also be that their parents subscribed to the heathen
belief that the umbilical cord is not an organ that is vital to adult life.
Either way, it is clear that these people of moderately good means (to be able
to live on their own), moderately good health (for their parents to be able to
live on their own), and moderately progressive outlook…are the SCALLYWAGS who
are responsible for the erosion of our society.
2. Women get raped because they wear
modern outfits. An
example of said outfits is the immodest salwar kameez. Let’s not oversimplify
this issue. Rapists know their history and civics, too. It is not that the poor
maligned creatures are not tempted by your bare midriff and the one layer of
transparent chiffon covering your skin-tight blouse in a sari. But they know an
indigenous Dravidian garment when they see it. The obviously loose morals of
women who wear this decadent neck-to-ankle salwar kameez are not the only
factor; they get raped, secondarily, for wearing the garment of our oppressors,
the North Indians.
3. The police force does not exist for
your protection; you exist for the protection of the police force. It is ridiculous to expect an agency
that is responsible for maintaining law and order, to maintain that law and
order after 11:00pm. This is why all establishments must close and everybody
must go home, to make the work of the police easier. (The jurisdiction of the
police extends only up to barging into said establishments with sticks and
chasing everybody out at the stroke of 11:00. In the line of duty, they may
even go so far as to arrest all the patrons for looking like the kind of people
who might go to a place that looks like the kind of place that might have
hoookahs.) This view is corroborated by the Central Government as well, which
is why everybody in the country has to remove the tinted films from their car
windows. Similar reasoning dictates that the municipality cannot be expected to
clean city drains because they have been allowed to get too dirty.
4. You must combat the evil UNESCO World
Heritage Site tag at all costs.
5. Freedom of the press: It is highly improper for ministers
to be caught on camera doing something objectionable—like watching porn—in
parliament. Therefore, ban cameras in parliament. Freedom of the press means
that politicians must be free of the press, and that the press is free to go
elsewhere (with a warning).
6. Evils of second-hand smoke: It is okay to blow cigarette fumes
into the faces of cows, dogs, children, and pregnant women passing by on the
street, (which they have no choice but to use) because streets are clearly not
“public places.” However, people who sit inside bars, with the express purpose
of killing themselves, must be shielded from the evils of second-hand smoke at
all costs.
7. Parks are no place for flowers. All flowers must be summarily
removed from parks. The irrefutable logic of this law needs no elaboration (but
I’ll provide one anyway). So, hay fever—the silent killer that stalks our parks
and public spaces—will soon be eradicated from our golden state by the adoption
of this simple, scientific practice. Of course, there’s no need to remove
non-flowering plants because everybody knows they reproduce by way of stork and
contain no pollen.
